Advice to Former Teammates

Masters Easterns is this weekend, and KooB is not bringing a team. Instead, small groups of us are playing for different teams (some with Big Ego, some with Above and Beyond, some with Mt. Crushmore). Thought I'd share with you the training advice I gave two of my friends (and now opponents) playing for Big Ego:

As you know, I read quite a bit on fitness and training, and over the past week or so I've had several revelations which have completely overturned many of my beliefs. Here's the very latest on what you should be doing:

  1. High-intensity interval work is out. As tournaments are all-day, all-weekend affairs, you really want to train like a marathon runner. Lots of very long, moderately paced runs. 20 miles or more. On pavement is best, as grass will then feel like heaven. Pavement is to grass as Krypton is to Earth.
  2. Sugar, sugar, sugar. Remember, it's all about the tournaments, and what do you eat on game day? Right, glucose and simple carbs, so you want your body tuned to that kind of diet. Ice cream is good, but donuts are better. If you eat them until you are slightly nauseated you will get a nice overcompensation effect when you eat more reasonable portions on tourney days. Oh, donuts on tourney days? Absolutely. Boston Cream for you two, obviously.
  3. Burpees are out. It is a movement you never perform in Ultimate, so has no carry-over value. The time would be better spent tacking a few more miles onto your long runs, which you should be doing 5 to 7 days per week (double that if you run on grass).
  4. If you're lifting weights, for goodness sake, STOP! Without years of coaching your form will be terrible, and you'll be doing more harm than good. It's a miracle you haven't had a season-ending injury already.
  5. Television is a great way to clear your head, focus on the upcoming tourney and, as a bonus, it'll make the eating of the donuts just fly right by. Watch as much of it as possible. If it helps, you can treat television as a reward: "okay, one more hour of TV, but ONLY if I can keep three more donuts down."
  6. Tying it all together, consider investing in a treadmill, as it would allow you to perform the Holy Trinity of Fitness: long, slow-paced exercise, TV, and donut consumption ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Don't let the expense scare you away from this phenomenal training device; since you won't be sprinting on it (indeed, sprinting of any kind is anathema), you can buy the cheapest treadmill on the market.
  7. Finally, time spent sleeping is time not spent running slowly (walking is good too), eating sugar, and watching television. Try not to sleep more than four hours per night. Handy tip: keep the treadmill, television, and donuts in the bedroom. Over time you will associate the bedroom with these activities rather than sleeping.

Good luck with your training!

:-)

Should be a fun weekend, and a possible first for me: if the DC team brings players from my era, I'll likely have former teammates on every team in the division.