A friend of mine needed to reset her router to the factory defaults, and in so doing needed to have her ISP walk her through the process of getting back online. She had a connection, and got to a server with a “your account has been suspended” page. Great, we can connect, just unsuspend the account, you’d think. Alas, no, protocols must be followed. Protocols that take AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES to grind to their inexorable conclusion. This is exactly how it shook out, allegorically, people and houses standing in for computers and networks:

Billy (calling on cell): Mom, the front door is locked, and when I knocked you looked and then went away. Why can’t I come in?

Mom: Who is this?

Billy: It’s me, Mom, it’s Billy.

Mom (typing noises): Oh, right. Billy, you say. Where are you?

Billy: I told you, I’m at the front door.

Mom: How did you get to the front door?

Billy: The bus dropped me off. Like every day. Can I come in?

Mom: Not bloody likely.

Billy: Great. Wait… what?

Mom: I can’t let you in until I walk you through getting home.

Billy: But Mom, I am home. I’m right outside. Just unlock the door.

Mom: I’ll be right back, I’m calling you a cab.

Billy: What? WAIT, why are you calling me a cab?!

Mom: To bring you back to the school. You have to finish classes, gather your things, get on the bus, ride the bus, get off the bus, walk up the driveway, take off your hat, and then I can let you in.

Billy: But I’m here! I did all that! Why can’t you just let me in?

Mom: Well, you’re wearing a hat. What if it’s not you?

Billy: You can’t tell it’s me because of my HAT?! Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Whatever, nevermind that. But since when is my hat a problem? You can recognize my voice! My clothes! My FACE! Fine, I’ll take the stupid hat off… Okay, look out the window, see, it’s off!

Mom: Well lookit that, it IS you! [waves through the glass] Hi honey, I love you! Now hang up so I can call you that cab.

UPDATE: Scratch that, just got an e-mail from Netflix saying they're heard the outcry, and they'll keep profiles. Hooray! So glad they were willing to listen.

Pisses me off: Netflix axing profiles. This is the feature that lets me maintain separate queues for me, my wife, and my kids. Now every time I send a disc back I'm going to have to remember to juggle my queue, and since they don't necessarily send stuff in order, even then the balance won't be as good as when Netflix supported this feature.

(Not a huge inconvenience in the great scheme of things, but a pretty big inconvenience in the little life niche that movies-by-mail encompasses.)

I've heard various excuses: the big one is that profiles present a programming obstacle that will prevent the development of new killer features. Hard to believe. With all the great, sophisticated features the Netflix team has implemented (recommendation engine, what has to be insanely complex demand allocation algorithms, etc.), PROFILES present an insurmountable challenge?! Isn't each account pretty much a profile? They have 8 million of those. When Netflix first launched, I doubt the engineers told the brass, "sorry, you can only sell one account."

Speaking of 8 million customers, the other excuse is that only a small percentage of the population uses that feature (and that therefore the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, since profiles are such a technological speedbump). But even if it's only 1%, that's 80,000 pissed off people. 2% would be 160,000. This is probably not a fun day on the job for Netflix support staff.

Wow, this was fun. Yesterday I couldn't send e-mail (although every other Internet function worked), so I tried using Road Runner's "live chat" option to see what was up. I was lucky enough to draw "Chris H" from the pool of support people. Here's our transcript (two lines moved to clear up chronology, otherwise unedited):

Chris H: What technical issue can I assist you with today?

Jim: Hi. Haven't been able to send mail since this morning. Can receive mail, and all other Internet services work. Thunderbird throws this error: "The message could not be sent because connecting to SMTP server mail.adelphia.net failed. The server may be unavailable or is refusing SMTP connections. Please verify that your SMTP server setting is correct and try again, or else contact your network administrator."

Jim: I tried online chat with you folks earlier, and was advised to switch my accounts/settings from adelphia.net to roadrunner.com servers, but that didn't solve the problem, and also appeared to break incoming mail.

Chris H: Lets see what we can do to address this. Unfortunately we cannot assist with Thunderbird. Make sure you entered pop-server.roadrunner.com and smtp-server.roadrunner.com instead of "mail.roadrunner.com.

Jim: Yes, that is what I had done. I have since switched back to adelphia.net settings because the change [1] didn't solve the problem of not being able to send mail, and [2] broke my ability to receive mail.

Jim: (re: [2], I had sent myself a test message which didn't show up until I changed the settings back)

Chris H: As we cannot assist with Thunderbird I can only suggest trying to disable your firewall or e-mail scanning within your antivirus software and use the correct server names.

Jim: Hmm. That is not very helpful. I have been using Thunderbird and this antivirus tool for months without issue. My computer configuration has not changed since Friday, when e-mail was working fine. All other Internet services work. Are you sure you aren't having problems with SMTP on your end?

Chris H: Yes. Did you wish to troubleshoot your issue?

Jim: Isn't that what we're doing?

Chris H: I'm asking because you are intent on blaming the servers instead of trying the options I have presented.

Jim: I have told you I already tried the options you presented.

Chris H: Then you may wish to try it in a supported e-mail program such as Outlook Express so that I can assisr you with your issue. And you didn't say you tried what I said. You said "my computer configuration has not changed since Friday".

Jim: I think if you re-read the history you'll see where I tried the server settings you suggested in my previous online chat earlier today.

Chris H: And if you do the same you will see that I am referring to disabling your firewall and e-mail scanning.

Jim: Did that too.

Chris H: Then try the last option I mentioned.

Jim: Switching to Outlook?

Chris H: Yes.

Jim: No thanks. Will call later and hopefully get someone more helpful.

Jim: Hey, look at that. E-mail works now with no changes on my end. It was something on your end.

Chris H: Incorrect.

Chris H: No one within Road Runner assists with Thunderbird so you will not be able to do that. If you are unwilling to troubleshoot your issue that is, of course, your choice.

Chris H: Are there any other technical issues I can assist you with?

Jim: Can you give me an explanation for how it magically fixed itself, then?

Chris H: If you are still using the Adelphia servers they will eventually be taken down completely so your settings will definitely not work.

Jim: Then that is a separate issue.

Chris H: Computer's "magically" work and not work all of the time. It's how they function.

Jim: No, they are deterministic.

Chris H: /byue

Jim: Wow, I can't wait to forward this chat around!

At this point Chris H. replied "Please do. Have a nice day." and then he cut the chat window, making it disappear. I knew this would happen from the last time though (chatting with someone else), so I had already grabbed a copy.

"It's how they function." Beautiful.