A friend of mine needed to reset her router to the factory defaults, and in so doing needed to have her ISP walk her through the process of getting back online. She had a connection, and got to a server with a “your account has been suspended” page. Great, we can connect, just unsuspend the account, you’d think. Alas, no, protocols must be followed. Protocols that take AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES to grind to their inexorable conclusion. This is exactly how it shook out, allegorically, people and houses standing in for computers and networks:
Billy (calling on cell): Mom, the front door is locked, and when I knocked you looked and then went away. Why can’t I come in?
Mom: Who is this?
Billy: It’s me, Mom, it’s Billy.
Mom (typing noises): Oh, right. Billy, you say. Where are you?
Billy: I told you, I’m at the front door.
Mom: How did you get to the front door?
Billy: The bus dropped me off. Like every day. Can I come in?
Mom: Not bloody likely.
Billy: Great. Wait… what?
Mom: I can’t let you in until I walk you through getting home.
Billy: But Mom, I am home. I’m right outside. Just unlock the door.
Mom: I’ll be right back, I’m calling you a cab.
Billy: What? WAIT, why are you calling me a cab?!
Mom: To bring you back to the school. You have to finish classes, gather your things, get on the bus, ride the bus, get off the bus, walk up the driveway, take off your hat, and then I can let you in.
Billy: But I’m here! I did all that! Why can’t you just let me in?
Mom: Well, you’re wearing a hat. What if it’s not you?
Billy: You can’t tell it’s me because of my HAT?! Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Whatever, nevermind that. But since when is my hat a problem? You can recognize my voice! My clothes! My FACE! Fine, I’ll take the stupid hat off… Okay, look out the window, see, it’s off!
Mom: Well lookit that, it IS you! [waves through the glass] Hi honey, I love you! Now hang up so I can call you that cab.
